When you read the title of this article, you may be unsure if I am being facetious or if I’m being flippant. I am being neither. I am being quite intentional because I am writing these tips on a plane as I’m leaving a visit to Kentucky where I was visiting my mom, who has recently moved into a nursing home. I am writing these tips for me – and I hope they are also for you.
Disconnect and let go. The conversation with someone who is “not there” in the same way s/he was at an earlier time of life is not the same. Recognize that you may be having a conversation that flat out doesn’t make sense. Be good with that. Don’t try to make it make sense. It doesn’t and it won’t and all you’ll do is wear yourself out and cause the other person stress if you try to “force” the conversation to make sense. Note: This is true whether you are on the phone or face to face.
Laugh with someone else who won’t think you are nuts. You may need to enjoy some gallows-type humor that if you engage in it around people who don’t “get it,” you will be disparaged.
Avoid dwelling on only talking about your mom, your dad, your ______ (whoever it is that is losing his/her mental capacity). It is incredibly draining and there are no real answers.
If this person has you on his/her speed dial, don’t pick up the phone every single time. Not only will every phone call break your concentration on whatever else you were trying to do, but it takes recovery time after talking. Get caller ID or turn off your phone all together.
Know that you won’t be responding in the same way you used to because this person is not fully here anymore. Not only has your loved one’s conversation and focus shifted, yours will have to as well. It may feel strange to hear yourself saying certain things or responding in particular ways.
Start grieving now. Actually, you will not be able to keep from doing this. The grieving process starts when you have lost someone. Believe me, it happens as soon as you acknowledge that the person who raised you has left. They may not have left physically, but they have left mentally and emotionally. This is much harder than having them just leave physically. I am in the midst of this so I know this to be true.
If you are also losing someone…my heart and energy go to you.
Like many of you, I am at an age where my loved ones are “losing” their mental capacity and it is not easy. I am writing this week’s column, as Isaid, for myself – and hope it helps you, too.
