Tips For Setting Limits With Your Kids
All parents need to set limits for their children, and all kids need limits in order to stay safe and grow up in a healthy manner. Problem is, parents have trouble setting limits, mainly because kids like to test them. That doesn’t make it OK to not set limits! It only means that from time to time, parents need to re-evaluate the limits to make sure they’re allowing their kids to grow up to be functioning, healthy adults.
Setting limits can be hard for parents because when their kids push against them (and they always will, if they are healthy kids), then it can be uncomfortable for the parent. That’s ok! Who said that parenting was comfortable or easy all the time?
So how to you go about setting good limits? Here are 3 tips I’ve learned from James Lehman, creator of the Total Transformation parenting program.
1. Don’t be afraid that your child won’t like you. A lot of parents think that if you set limits, your child won’t love you. If fact, just the opposite is true. If you don’t set limits, your child will not feel safe, therefore they won’t feel loved. The bible says that an undisciplined child feels like an illegitimate child. Therefore, don’t be afraid to say “No”. And it’s OK to say it often, and sternly.
2. Teach your child to internalize good behavior. Set limits with your child by saying “no” and explaining why once. Then tell him what the consequences are if the behavior continues. The next time he does it, give him the consequences you outlined earlier. Hopefully, he’ll eventually start to weigh the cost-benefit of the consequence and follow limits on his own. This is called “internalization”. It’s something we as adults have to do every day. We’re expected to set a limit on how we talk to people – we’re not supposed to depend on someone else to tell us “Don’t be rude”. That’s an internalized limit we’ve set on ourselves. We want our children to learn to do this too (with our help).
3. Learn to let your child cry. It’s ok for your kiddo to feel discomfort. He needs to be able to go in his room and throw his pillow around. Don’t feel uncomfortable with that. This goes back to point 1. You can’t be afraid that your kid’s not going to like you. Believe me, if you give him limits, he’ll love you. Society today tells us that we need to be friends with our kids, and that’s not right. You want your kid to respect you, and to obey.
So there are 3 tips for setting limits. Get out there and make your kid love you!
