Setting Limits for Your Children As a Single Parent
Whether you call them limits or rules, as a single parent you must set them, and you and only you must see to it that they are adhered to. The limits or rules must be practical and within your child’s capacity to follow. And they must be consistent and expressive of your loving concern.
It is normal for children to test out limits both in words and in action. Establishing independence from adult authority is a healthy way for children to express their individuality. The question is how you as the parent walk the tricky line between allowing your child to express their feelings while still asserting your authority as parent and setting the necessary limits. Children need both latitude of expression and firmly enforced limits on their behavior, in a blend that results in calm, patient management.
Effective discipline is essentially setting limits and maintaining the limits while at the same time tailoring the home environment to the developmental level of the child – what the child can handle – and to the individual differences among your children.
Effective discipline is to be distinguished from corporal punishment. Discipline teaches self-control and builds conscience –a sense of right and wrong. Punishment teaches that if you are bigger and stronger than someone else, you can impose your will on that person. Discipline builds a collaborative, cooperative atmosphere while punishment builds a tense authoritative atmosphere. And, punishment is short term and negative while discipline is long term and positive. After making sure the child is not endangering himself or others, the next time you think about using corporal punishment, stop in your tracks, step back and sit down. Or, phone a relative or a friend. Or even better, put in your favorite CD, relax and listen to at least one track. During these few minutes consider what alternative would most effectively change the behavior as well as to further the type of relationship you would like to have with your child.
Limit setting as a disciplinary measure provides the child with the guidelines he needs for everyday behavior. It protects him from the consequences of his own passions and lack of experience and makes clear the known and prescribed consequences. It is then up to you, the parent, to enforce the consequences when your child oversteps the limits. The enforcement should be carried in a matter-of-fact way, without any anger or guilt feelings, with the child being made fully aware that the consequences are a result of his choice.
