The Secret To Managing A TattleTaler
When I was a child I never honestly understood the difference between tattling and telling adults necessary information. It seem to me that if my sister was reading her book with a flashlight under the covers instead of sleeping that was something my mother should know.
There is a fine line between tattling and telling and it is difficult for a child to make that distinction. Children developmentally may not have the language skills to understand the difference. So the warning of “Stop that tattletaling!” may be met with a look of bewilderment and hurt.
We also want to avoid admonishing the tattler because we may shame them into confused silence. Children need to run to us with their problems. Childhood in the 21st century is more complex and challenging than ever. We need them to feel comfortable talking to us about anything and everything. Unfortunately, that sometimes includes a dose of tattling about their peers or siblings.
The fact is we can use the situation of tattling to teach our children some life lessons. Sometimes children tell because they are mad and they want to lash out at a friend or sibling. In that case they can use some guidance in handling their rough feelings. Sometimes they tattle because they’ve encountered a problem with a friend or family member and they cannot manage it alone. We can teach them some conflict resolution skills.
Here are two ways parents can use tattling to help children manage their feelings and resolve conflict with their peers and or sibling:
1. If they are having trouble handling a stick social situation we can ask our child:
“Sounds like you are having trouble with your friends, what can I do to help?”
Similarly if they are having trouble getting along with their siblings we can ask:
“You and Sara sound like you are having a tough time figuring out how to share what can I do to help?”
This allows the child to get the help she needs while fostering a sense of independence in managing a complicated interpersonal situation.
2. We can also help our children make a judgment of whether they are tattling or just telling by asking them “Are you telling me this about Micah to be hurtful or helpful?”
The conversation can then be expanded to give the tattler a positive picture of themselves while giving them a better idea of what is considered tattling.
For example:
Child 1: “I am telling you that Micah did not do his homework to be helpful”
Adult: “Micah, Sara is telling me that you did not do your homework to be helpful. Do you find this to be helpful?”
Child 2: “I don’t find it helpful. It is none of her business!”
Adult: “Sara, Micah does not like you telling me whether or not he has done his homework. He feels like it his business. If I think about it, I would also say that it his business. So in the future he would like his homework to be his business and you don’t need to tell me about it.”
In this way we make it clear what is considered tattling and what is important for the parent to know.
