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This is all about changing your relationship with your teen. Which is different than your teen changing his or her relationship with you. If you want to have a better relationship with your teen you need to be willing to change how you interact with them, how you communicate with them.

Assessment of the parent – teen situation:

Most parents never really knew what they were doing in the first place when their kids were young, but they could control them because the parents were big and the kids were small. But now as teenagers their kids have become bigger, and more demanding of their rights they are unwilling to be told what to do. They don’t obey just because they are told what to do, they want to have a reason that makes sense to them. They want to have a voice, they want to have their perspective validated and even though they don’t have a clear idea of what their perspective is, they just know that it is not the same as their parents’.

Parents have no idea what their kids’ perspective is. They don’t understand what their kids want. All they know is that as teenagers their kids are demanding and obstinate, and as parents they don’t know what to do. They don’t have any tools, what has worked before is not working now and they have no new ideas.

So parents just keep repeating themselves, some of version of: Do what I tell you to do because I am your parent and I say so (which worked when the kids were younger/smaller). And the teens keep responding with some version of: You can’t tell me what to do, I have my rights. Ultimately, parents want to keep their kids safe physically and emotionally, and want to be validated for being the parent. While teens want to be seen for who they are, and they want to be validated for who they are.

Solution:

Learn who your teenage child is. Learn who you are dealing with. Then learn how to connect with them.

You don’t know what is going on inside of them, how they see themselves fitting into the world, nor how they see themselves in relationship to you as a parent. You don’t know how to reach your teenager, how to connect with them. You don’t know what to do.

Acknowledge how you feel.

This gets lost in all of the confusion, frustration and arguments. You care and want the relationship to work.

You need to see your teenagers as separate, distinct and different from you. Acknowledge and value their individuality.

Be willing to learn.

Learn how they think and feel, how they react to the world. Understand them.

Apply what you have learned.

In future articles I will discuss each of the seven solution steps in detail and offer suggestions as to how you can explore them and apply them with your teenage child. Parenting is difficult in the best of circumstances, but these seven steps to knowing and understanding your child will facilitate a better parent/child relationship and make your parenting process easier and more fulfilling for both you and your child.
Parenting is, arguably, one of the most challenging of occupations; parenting well, all the more so. I know that there are many out there who would like to be better parents-more effective, perhaps, happier-yet have no real idea how to do this. My purpose is to teach sincere parents fundamental skills they can use to better connect with themselves and their children. To this end, I offer workshops and classes as well as private sessions for parents and families.