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What Babies Need

Babies come into the world crying, cooing and clinging. They need-food, warmth, love, and safety. They do not come to us with the ability to give much beyond their own need for us. They don’t come into the world with the capacity to calm themselves down or self-soothe. They don’t come complete with the ability to self-regulate or work out problems.

The Theoretical Answer: The Neurobiological Relationship

What does every infant creature need in order to not only survive but to thrive?

Safety.

This is even more true for human babies, who are born helpless into an increasingly complex world on a multitude of levels. Not only has survival become more technological and demanding (new skill sets that are changing daily) but human relationships have become busier, more detached, more confused (can we touch, can we not touch…).

When we are born, every cell in us has only one question: Are we safe?

And our response to that question-yes or no-determines our response to our environments and to ourselves. It also ultimately facilitates our hardwiring.

According to the best minds in Attachment Theory, children require adults to teach them to regulate their emotional arousal. In simple terms, we show them what to do with a skinned knee or a broken heart or an upset tummy or a bad nightmare. By our presence and our words, we show them how to think, feel and process each experience as it comes so that they are hard-wired for safety, self-reliance, and resilience.

When kids are helped to feel safe, secure, capable and calm, they are helped to learn to think and feel simultaneously. And, because they can do that-even at a rudimentary level-they are given the capacity to explore. They learn to utilize their own resources when they need them.

When kids are left to their own devices-or worse, are taught they are unloved and are made to feel unsafe-they do not develop normally. And that holds true in both the cognitive and emotional arenas.

In Siegel’s article, “Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Development: Attachment Relationships, “Mindsight,” and Neural Integration,” Dr. Siegel writes, “Because experiences with others early in life are so important for human development, I have earlier stated that ‘Human connections create the neural connections from which the mind emerges.’” (Daniel J. Siegel, UCLA School of Medicine)

A Study on Genetic Expression

At a Christian Counseling Convention, Gary Sibcy, in exploring the effect of the emotional environment on development, talked about a study that was done with monkeys. Interestingly, monkeys have the gene for alcoholism though it remains dormant unless activated.

They broke a group of newborn monkeys into random groups of two. One group was raised by its proper mothers. The other was raised by a bunch of teenage monkeys. The monkeys nurtured by their mothers developed normally with no signs of alcoholism. Those raised by teenagers manifested the recessive genetic predisposition to alcoholism.

Not only are our relationships important in the moment in terms of how we make others “feel,” but as the research is leading us to conclude, it is pivotal in our development on every level-mental, emotional, and genetic. What we say and do with others matters in ways we are only just beginning to appreciate.

The Verbal First Aid Relationship: A Practical Answer

According to many experts in the field of interpersonal neurobiology, there are certain types of relationships that are healing, nurturing and developmentally pivotal. They can even help a child who has been repeatedly abused and hurt to rewire those learnings so he can go on to have good relationships in his life.

In Verbal First Aid with children, there are three essential principles that are utilized to both facilitate physical healing in the moment as well as long-term wellness and proper development:

The Healing Zone

Verbal First Aid works because whenever there is a trauma-whether that’s a bruised knee or a broken heart-we slip into what are considered altered states. In those states, which may legitimately be seen as healing zones, we are more suggestible and more sensitive to what is being said around us or to us.

When we are in those “zones” we are highly focused, most often on some internal process, which changes the way we see ourselves and the world. It may not last longer than a few moments. It may last years. What we say to people when they are in the healing zone has extra impact.

Children are in these states far more than adults and, as such, can be seen as sponges, soaking up whatever we say. This is doubly true when the person speaking is an adult, particularly a parent or authority figure.

According to Bruce Lipton, children are often in an altered state: “Before birth and through the first five years of life, the infant is primarily in DELTA and THETA (brain wave lengths; adult consciousness is BETA), which represents a hypnogogic state…Consequently, the child is essentially in a hypnotic “trance” through the first five years of its life.”

What we say and how we interact with children have far broader impacts than we had believed possible.

The ABC’s of Verbal First Aid

There are two parts to the actual practice of Verbal First Aid: Rapport and Suggestion. Without the first, the second doesn’t work.

Gaining rapport is like a stool-it stands on three legs: Authority, Believability, and Compassion. When people are scared, we look for a benevolent authority to tell us what to do, how to find safety. It is instinctive to all social animals.

Especially to children, who are helpless and look to adults for security. If we’re not believable-for instance, if we tell someone, “Everything’s going to be okay,” when it’s clearly not okay-we lose rapport quickly. And without true empathy-the ability to feel what someone else is feeling-our words ring hollow.

Rapport is the track. Suggestion is the locomotive. When we have rapport-when a child sees us as a kind and competent authority-our words can help lead them to healing-both emotionally and physically.

This is a typical scenario: You’ve taken your niece to the county fair. It’s her first time. She gets onto the Ferris wheel with you, but you can see her grip on the bars is tight and she seems anxious.

If you are impatient or unaware of the importance of your words, you might dismiss her anxiety with a casual, “Cut it out. You’re acting like a baby.” Unfortunately, all that does is perpetuate the anxiety and add in a dash of shame.

With Verbal First Aid as one of your tools, you build on the rapport you’ve developed over the years by saying, “Looks like you’re holding on pretty tight there.” Your niece responds, “It’s scary.” “It’s scary the first time,” you pace her feelings. Then, as you take your bracelet off and put it on your niece’s wrist, you say, “But now you’ve got my magic bracelet. You hold on to it while we ride, okay? It’s easier to enjoy the ride when you know you’ve got magic with you.” Your niece smiles, relaxing.

According to proponents of interpersonal neurobiology such as Siegel and Schore, the “Mind” is distinct from the brain in that it is an internal process that regulates the flow of energy and information and can observe thoughts as they occur in the brain. Other speakers in the field, such as Gary Sibcy, state that when people make spiritual and emotional changes, they are making brain changes.

Verbal First Aid could not be more important when we are speaking to the developing mind of a child. It Is not only helpful in calming a child after or even during a crisis, nor is it solely a beautiful and simple way to facilitate physiologic changes (lowering respiratory rates, bleeding cessation, or reducing inflammatory responses) in the present moment, but it gives growing children the resources they need to develop into confident, integrated, and resilient adults.